Tuesday, November 28, 2006

Boot Guide: Part 2

Yesterday I posted about a variety of boot styles that look great on everyone, and when and where you should wear them. Today's post is quite the opposite: boots that are so ugly and unflattering that they should never be worn, except at Halloween, when you're alone inside your house or outside shoveling snow. With that said, I present you with the ugliest boots to ever grace the earth. Due to the offensive nature of the following shoes, this post is deemed not safe for work or the presence of young, impressionable minds.

Ankle Boots: First popularized in the 1980's, though like their cousin and frequent collaborator, the Robin Hood boot, they may go back as far as the Middle Ages. Ankle boots are often seen on the likes of such fashion icons as Lindsay Lohan and Mischa Barton. You may have seen them on regular women, paired with the equally unflattering leggings or skinny jeans. Other than being hideously ugly, why are ankle boots so bad? Because they make your legs look shorter by cutting you off at the ankle. Unless you're trying to look shorter, choose a pair of knee-high boots, pumps or wedges.

Super Slouchy: I'm not completely against slouchy boots. I even recommended a pair of slouchy Steve Maddens in yesterday's post. But like most good things, slouchy leather is best in small doses. It can add a laid-back vibe to the rest of your look (don't ever pair these with anything dressy). The downside is that if you go too far with the slouching, your leg will appear to be melting.

Uggs: Really, what is there to say about Uggs that has not already been said? They're a favorite of trash queen Paris Hilton. A general rule I like to follow is, "if Paris loves it, stay away." This applies to clothing, accessories and boyfriends. Hear that Mary Kate? But back to the Uggs... look, I'm a casual girl at heart. Most days I dress as comfortably as possible: jeans, tennis shoes, etc. I can understand the appeal of something waterproof and furry, particularly in winter. But there are better options for cold weather footwear, both in form and function. Do something nice this Christmas and donate your Uggs to the homeless.

Fur Fest: Is that a muppet on your leg? Oh, those are your shoes! Of course.

Robin Hood: Like its equally ugly cousin, the ankle boot, the Robin Hood style is simply costumey, and has no apparent aesthetic value. And when I mean costumey, I mean that it is the shoe of choice if you're performing the title role in a production of Peter Pan, or participating in your local Renaissance festival.

Crazy Prints: I imagine that Cher wears boots like this when she is shopping for groceries or walking her dog. And that doesn't bother me at all, because she's Cher, and she can wear whatever the hell she wants. Which brings me to another celebrity fashion rule: if you can imagine Cher wearing something, don't wear it.

Lace Up boots: Edwardian meets dominatrix. Only appropriate at gay pride parades and festivals and leather bars.

Thigh Highs: Remember the movie Pretty Woman, with Julia Roberts? She actually wore these boots on the movie poster. She sure is cute... oh wait, she's supposed to be a prostitute! The thigh high boots and spandex miniskirt is the red flag. Unless you're working the streets, avoid this style.

So there you go ladies and gentlemen, the boot hall of shame. If you recently bought a pair in any of the previously mentioned styles, dig up your receipt and return them. If not, shove them in the back of your closet and you'll have an easy outfit for next Halloween- fashion victim.


Trying said...

I read yesterday's post, and thought, "what can she possibly say in her post tomorrow that would make ankle boots seem like a good idea?" And I decided to wait and see, because maybe you had some brilliant idea. I was skeptical. I'm glad to see that you agree that ankle boots are, indeed, a travesty.

Meg said...

I'm glad I'm not the only one who hates ankle boots, it seems like everyone is wearing them now. They'll see the light eventually..


Anonymous said...

I like some ankle boots, but I've never tried them on so I don't really know how thed'd look. But are you going to do another post on mid calf boots later?

Meg said...

I was going to do a blurb on mid-calf boots, but then I realized that not many people even wear true mid-calf boots anymore (they're usually just an inch or two shorter than knee-length boots). I think that the higher your boot (as long as it stays below your knee), the longer your legs will work. True mid-calf boots are great under pants, because they won't show through your pants (sometimes a problem if pants are kind of tight around the knee/upper calf area). So, I'm sorry that that was a little bit of false advertising, but I hope this comment helps answer any of your questions!

Also- I don't mean to offend anyone who likes ankle boots or any of the other styles I trashed in this post. I mainly just wanted to be snarky, but my real issue with ankle boots is that they're SO trendy and I think they'll go out of style in the next year, making them a waste of money. Plus, I do find them unflattering.